No French Fries, No Peace

For years, I've sat idly by while personal injury lawyers have taken away those things most precious to me; namely, cigarettes and silicon breast implants. Well, I refuse to just sit on my ever-increasing butt and allow them to take away my only remaining joy in this world - McDonald's French fries.

Last week, McDonald's announced that it would eliminate the Supersize option from its menus. McDonald's claims this move will simplify its menu. However, we all know that this explanation is every bit as ridiculous as the premise behind every Fox reality TV show.

McDonald's is attempting to defend against the next round of fast food lawsuits. While the first round of lawsuits were taken about as seriously as Al Sharpton at the Iowa Caucuses, the war against Big Nugget is far from over. For this reason, McDonald's has moved into Phase 2 of Operation It's Not Our Fault You're Fat.

Phase 1 consisted of adding several new salads and a veggie burger to the menu. This strategy made sense. However, the latest strategy of limiting my French fry intake is as misguided as my sister's choices in men.

After all, how is this strategy supposed to prevent me from eating too many fries? Can't I just request an extra order of fries? Or will McDonald's start to impose a one French fry maximum? Even then, what's to stop me from paying some skinny kid to walk inside the restaurant and "score" some fries for me?

Besides, McDonald's can't escape liability just by reducing portion sizes. If that were the case, then the tobacco companies would have started selling toothpick-sized cigarettes three to a pack years ago.

In fact, McDonald's strategy is likely to encourage the personal injury lawyers to resume their attacks even sooner. After all, by changing the menu, McDonald's has all but admitted that its previous menu was unhealthy.

Before McDonald's does any more damage to the menu that I have grown (literally and figuratively) to love, I've decided to put a stop to this insanity. And as they say, if you can't beat 'em, sue 'em.

Therefore, I'm pleased to announce that I'm filing a class action against McDonald's to bring back the Supersize option. I'm filing this lawsuit on behalf of all Americans who are diet-challenged (i.e., all of us). As Americans, we have a God-given right to clog our arteries and I'm willing to fight for that right.

In this lawsuit, I'll be asking for billions of dollars worth of free French fries (and, of course, a few million dollars in attorneys' fees for yours truly). If you'd like to do your part for Supersizing, please come to our rally in front of McDonald's headquarters on Friday. At the rally, we'll eat French fries, drink diet colas and chant our new rallying cry, "No French Fries, No Peace! No French Fries, No Peace!"

Together, we can make America safe for Supersizing. After all, it takes a village to raise a child but it only takes one large class action verdict to send my kids to college.