©Copyright by Martin Siegel, 1998

ONE
Although escaping impeachment, President Clinton won’t venture out of the White House for fear of being taunted by life-sized cigars bearing placards saying the likes of “Kiss-Off Sugarlips.” An occasional visit to a black church will be the extent of his public appearance with the twin themes of atonement and forgiveness given in alternation.

TWO
Spurred by Clinton’s sexploits and the revelations of Thomas Jefferson’s dalliance with a 16-year-old slave while he was in his mid-forties, Ken Burns will embark on a PBS documentary called The Potent Presidency. Never before shown footage, photographs and memoranda will be shown for every president from George Washington to the present. A historian familiar with the project will state: “The hope is to focus on these sensitive issues of our national past so that a clearer understanding may color our present, resulting (it’s hoped) in enlightened decisions for the future.”

THREE
Pundits shall try to resolve the riddle that, as more millions are spent on political campaigns with ever-increasing demographic research and reportage, actual voter turn-out plummets geometrically. In one such program, millionaire journalist and lecture-circuit speaker Sam Donaldson will say to his similarly situated colleague Cokie Roberts, “Let’s face it, the public feels that politicians and, sad to say, the press are a bunch of greedy swine not worth an ounce of sweat...and I guess we’re partly to blame.” A computer-timed commercial, itself computer-generated, will fade to black.

FOUR
Although forever lonely and privately depressed, Monica, wearing the false face television adores, will become fabulously rich. Besides the book deal, a made-for-TV movie, appearances on “20/20” and “Dateline,” a lip balm, aptly called Monica, and, ironically, made by Revlon will be launched. Surprisingly, a reported six-figure deal with Dutch Masters will be spurned as tasteless.

FIVE
Provoked by CNBC’s Matt Williams for his gutless evasiveness, Ted Koppel will appear on the latter’s Hardball and, believe it or not, finally give an opinion on something. Off-camera, his several lawyers will furnish appropriate OK signals.

Next